calvinylho

sometimes caring too much about something backfires...
but caring too little is not always easy...
fact is, because we are human, there is no right moment to cut the fine line between caring too little, or caring too much

Ho jai, it may not be the right time for us now, but when the time is right and the smoke has cleared, I will fight for our life together.

I will love you till the day I die.

I used to think that getting old is a curse and that things would inevitably just get more complex and intricate, but now approaching 30, things are in fact getting more simplier and clearer, and I consider myself lucky. Incomprehensive to many of my age, my ambitions are coveated and my desires are qualified, all I need really is a happy life and to a certain extent this has been much realised, and I much owe this to my seemingly delicate but foundamentally strong relationship with Ho Jai.

Ho Jai demands a carefree life, and a relationship based more on trust and mutual respect than title and certificates. In the seven months that we have been together now, he has given me much confidence and reasons to believe that he is the “one”, and this is not based on his stunning good looks and laughter that melts me, but the fact that he has thought a great deal about a committed future with me, of thoughts that are believable and not fanciful and far-fetched i.e. not words said to please me. Ho Jai never demanded me to change for him or for me to change for him, and he believes that for the relationship to last, there should be limited outter manifestation of wants and desires from each other (and thus his philosophy that title to love would beget demands and stress), rather, he prefers simplicity in us. At first, I mistook this as unwilling to commit, but through our times spent together, we only became closer and closer and I am so happy that his passion never faded, but he has loosen up and started trusting me. Through our times spent together, I often feel very blessed, and very loved, because whilst acting like a man of iron-heart, I know that he cares of much minute details of everyday things about me, and at times, he would let me know, without having to say a word, that I am important to him. I am so blessed to be with him and hope I remain deserving of him, for all the wonderful years to come. I am sure we will have great times in our youth (to Tainan, Thailand and Europe in the near future) and, hopefully through to the days when our hair falls out.

Recently work has been particularly stressful, namely due to the departure of a number of staff (and the addition of Stevie Chow). For a moment, and having been approached for positions in some top city law firms, I thought of leaving this firm, not only because I feel that I could regain my focus on projects (rather than having to handle multitudes of projects with little support) but also because professionally I fear the limited time to spend projects would lead to mistakes and mis-advice with consequences. I would also like to specialise more in certain areas of corporate finance like financing, security and M&A. But then, to leave the firm when it is lacking experienced lawyers led me feeling guilty and that I would be betraying the firm if I leave… and the thought of having to adapt and losing the freedom that I currently enjoy would infringe upon the happiness and balance of life which I currently savor. Besides, now that I am with Ho Jai, I would rather spend more quality after-work hours with him than to spend endless hours at city firms (which comes with it no more than money and vanity – at least for someone in my same shoes I guess). Of course, Julia remains an inspiration to us all.

Otherwise, life is routine but good. Soccer on Mondays, Thai boxing on Wednesdays, small trips to nearby cities or beaches or otherwise chill at bars / clubs on weekends. Simple but blissful. Would hate to think about Stevie and Kinson leaving HK though.. arghh..

Anyway, time for catching up with TV series then sleep hehee…

If one is to do a serotonin count in my body right this moment, you would probably think that I am "high" on chocolate consumption, because I would really have to think hard to recall the last time I have been so content in every aspect of my life.

Since 2010:

- my relationship with Ah Ho has matured and I feel very much loved - I am most fortunate to be with him, who is honest, grounded, sensitive, caring (yet cool), cute (oh so so cute :P) and who appreciates the little things in life.. I really wish to be with him if possible till end of my time :)

- at work, things are also unbelievable... I would have been satisfied with the profile of work that I was lucky enough to be involved in, and with the guidance of Julia.. but now I am getting a 40+% payrise and my own room?! I dont even think I have been working all this hard this year hmmz...

- so far this year I have been on 2 awesome holidays - both in April: (1) with some of my cloest friends (Bear, Hermonie, Kevin Wong, Alston and of course, Ah Ho) to Beijing where we ACTUALLY went tourist places like Tiananmen Square, the Great Wall, Sam Lei Tuen, Bird's Nest, Wang Fu Chang, Ancient Palace, Yin Wong Yuen.. but of course we partied @ MIX & Destination; (2) with other members of PWAT (Fungx2, Stevie, Mike and Dennis) to Bangkok for Songkran - this on the contrary was way more partying than tourisy stuff.. haha... we went Ratchada Soi 8, Gstar, Or Tor Gor, Bitch Apartment.. although we managed to squeeze in Khau San Road, National Palace, Lumphini Night Bazaar, Chatuchak Weekend Market (where I bought some awesome stuff!), China Town Shark Fin dinner x2, river cruise, flower market, MBK x2 in between all the binge drinking and contour dancing :P.. met some really fun people ("Balloon" my sister, Aod, "B" the dentist, Ouri, "Dew" the ballad and traditional thai dancer, Dougie, Jackie, Bat, "McDonald" the weird dancer, the "Korean Elvis" etc.) and caught-up with some old friends (Kenzo, Hut, Fiat, Coke & his mates, Box) and even some LSC friends haha..

- this year I had a really awesome birthday where I got to catchup and party with Melissa, dinners at this hot steamboat place with Hermz, Robin and Oz friends, @ at my favorite Thai restarants - Thai Simple - with Pwat and at "Chu Ka Choi" with family, Singk with almost the entire Pwat productions crew(damn you Kinson!).. cut dunno how many cakes, and got many great great pressies - Song Ericson phone, Fred Perry bag, tie, North Face bag etc. things I couldnt normally afford to buy haha..

So to summarise, this year has been great great great.. family, friends, lover, work, holidays, slacking, cute exotic lizzard "mo mo" in my bedroom, pwat, constantly scoring at soccer etc. etc. I have it all.. Ho "Hoi Sum" ah!! I feel so blessed, thank youuuu all yous~~~

nothing is overly important or excessively draconian, it's how we manage our expectations and desires... notwithstanding, one must never be complacent, nor take things for granted but to live every moment like it's the last~~

Thought I would spend my time in commute to write journals rather than banging my head against the minibus handrails for a change, afterall, my brain cells count do seem to be running low.

Today was the first workday of 2010, my Outlook had ‘(19’) written next to the ‘Inbox” category – certainly unexpected and odd; I was expecting some 500+ and several ‘You mailbox is getting full’ warnings. I spent half the morning researching and prepping for a call to a new client (my first serious referral from my ex-colleague back at Capability Management) looking to set up business in Hong Kong but soon after realised that no one was gonna pick up from other end of the line… was somewhat disappointed yet somewhat relieved. Afternoon I spent feverously texting on my sms and cleaning up my room… the boredom was so intense I had to stop my secretary from shredding paper I dump out so I could play with the cutters… what a spirited start to 2010!!

I told myself that 2010 will be about resolve and decisiveness and I have hencefar been successful without too much setbacks - although sometimes being grit do take courage and some hammering from uneasy challenges. But I shall persevere and fight on.

Rewinding back, since Taipei I have attended my cousin’s wedding on Saturday night It was perhaps the most beautiful wedding I have attended to date; starting at the lawn of the Repulse Bay hotel where my cousin and his wife stood before a fierce looking burning-pink tree; the fact that my cousin looked like a model from the James Bond movie and his wife a fairy princess only made the wedding more unreal. We had western food at the ‘Verandah” under the soft whiffing of the spiraling fans above and with the jazzy quartet playing at the back. Stories were shared, videos (including video from the wedding ceremony at Bali) were shown, songs were sung and tears were shed. It was a splendid evening.

Soon after the wedding I was eager to meet up with Louis and Ah Ho and party (afterall it was still my holiday!). While Louis and I go way back and we haven’t seen each other for some 20 months now, I was glad that he hasn’t changed abit; still bubbly, slightly hyperactive and outright cheery; I was also surprised that he also managed to open up Ah Ho who has always been extremely shy and timid.

Woke up real late yesterday but I didn’t feel much guilt, it was afterall my last day of holiday. Went to Sai Wan with Ah Ho as he wanted to buy this pig blood for his friend in Yuen Long.. it was then when I felt shamed as he who lives in Yuen Long actually knows the streets much better than I do, oh well… when Ah Ho hopped onto bus back to Yuen Long I met up with Louis who happens to be in the vicinity, we went dinner at PP and watched ‘New York I Love You” (which was I thought quite a try-hard movie hmmz). Neway, back home now, time to relax… and prepare for soccer!!!

This year we celebrated new year at one of the prime locations in Southeast Asia – at the foot of the 101 in Taipei. The fireworks were not spectacular but it was beautiful in many indescribable ways. This year I did not feel as nostalgic as expected, perhaps like many others, there is a certain eagerness to forget, among other things, the sour economy’s ups and downs, the swine-flu panics, the violent conflicts from Iraq and Iran to Afghanistan and Pakistan, the spurs of natural disasters, the political scandals here and there etc. of the past decade, or the so-called 20-oh-ohs. Of course, being around my beloved friends at the annual ritual is reassuring, comforting, joyous and much to celebrate about. The oddity about this year’s countdown however, is that there was no actual countdown most of us Honkies are accustomed to, rather, we were led through the gates of 2010 quietly while some of us were still sipping tea from our tea-cups (other oddities were (i) the abundance of free space we were afforded in an not-so-VIP area – we expected to be packed together like bubble-wrap; and (ii) the Chinglish “2010 Taiwan Up” lit up on the 101 which, given my short-sightedness, I mistook as “Times Up” (and I panicked slightly). Until now could not make sense of “Taiwan Up”).

I did not feel much a tourist this trip to Taipei… perhaps it has to do with the fact that – counting the number of stamps in my passport – this is my sixth trip to Taipei this year and I am starting to feel at-home, or it may have been because in fact we only really hanged out at limited areas (Zhongzhau Fu Xin, Gstar, Funky, Hung Lau and the Sheraton - we did not go hotspring as we planned, nor any night-markets, or other tourist areas of interest). The more probable cause was probably the fact the near-full attendance of our PWAT group and others were sufficient to populate joints we hang out to the point that we didn’t feel compelled to speak much Mandarin. Anyhow, (and despite refugee-style accomodation – which turned out quite fun after-all hehe..), I had an excellent time, especially with some of my closest friends, I love ya all and hope we will spend new years together in the decades to come!! (S. Chow and Kinson where were yous >< !!~~~~).

NEW YEAR:

Things to forego:
- bad habits – I huffed and I puffed and the pigs laughed at me~~
- obsession with idealistic relationship

Things to look-forward to (personally);
- Payrise - but no promotions please~~
- The ‘one’ – by that I actually mean, the ‘zero’ hehe
- a house - that was supposed to be 2009.. hmmz~~
- Songkran and more surfing in Taiwan – woaaah~

Things to look-forward to;
- FIFA World Cup South Africa!!! - bring it!
- Sri Lanka’s first post-civil-war elections – hurray!
- Withdrawal of U.S. Combat Troops from Iraq – finally….
- Global population to reach 7 billion – more ‘members’ please~~~

I know exactly where Nemo is, but he isnt looking back at me... but to me, Nemo will always be beautiful =)

Since almost too early I have developed a strong affection for you, and through reading your facebook and understanding you it seemed to me that somehow we were meant to be (that was my deduction anyway)… perhaps the chain of coincidence (many you are not aware of) has a bearing on my thoughts but regardless I have somewhat ingrained in my mind that you are the “One”, that one person whom I could not live without, that I would jump in front of a bullet for, and whom I would panic for when rain falls and thunder looms… soon however I realise these are all manifestation of my own obsession, without really understanding how you felt.

An objective assessment to your response and reactions to my exertions would suggest that there is really nothing there; from the beginning, there was the “just friends” statement which could not be in any clearer terms, then there were the series of rejections… but I kept on giving myself excuses to pursue on… there’s no rainbow without the rain I tell myself, I tell myself that if walking a million miles could make a difference, I would start walking if only I knew which direction to walk… I think of a myriad of reasons why I may not be good enough, of how you could see me in a different light, of why things are the way they are… possibilities, hypothesis, assumptions, over thinking etc. led to no more but further predicaments and confusions, sleepless nights, odd phone messages and the like… then I slap myself eyes wide open, how could this be given I have always insisted and purported that love should be simple, pure and unreserved… I guess, in the end, it is my refusal to face up to reality, that, as the simple facts are, there is no chemistry… I have been in denial for fear of disappear and disappointments that may cripple me

As time goes on, it becomes clear that the options are only twofold (i) quick jab at the heart where it hurts most with hopes that the wound would clot without leaving too obvious a scar; or (ii) the prolonged torture of a plastic knife that bleeds it time and time again over and indeterminate period of time… the choice is not as obvious as it seems

At times even I do not understand why I am writing this sort of trash, it seem to complicate things and to serve no meaningful purpose other than the temporarily relief of my mind.

While nothing is certain, shall I remain patient and hope that your grace come my way? or if not, shall I perhaps just watch from afar, and be there when it matters, or not… in the spirit of Nike, “Impossible is Nothing”, this is my denial speaking again.

Lost in the clearest skies I navigate;
While the sun burns and consumes me;
Beside me, a silver hawk stretched its wings;
If only it could point the way.

確定方向不會迷失　跟著快樂王子